Evacuation of the Flumpawumps
by LineApe
Summary: Harry awakes to quite the surprise when he finds Luna trying to remove the Flumpawumps from him, through her mouth, via his... other wand... HarryxLuna. Crack, especially later on! Omakes eight through ten up.
1. Flumpawumps

Evacuation of the Flumpawumps.

* * *

He tiredly navigated the corridors of the castle on his way back to his room, skillfully dodging the nightly prefect patrols.

Turning down another corridor in the veritable maze that was Hogwarts, he silently cursed the name of Draco Malfoy – It had been a long night of following the prick, and Harry was looking forward to a lengthy and uninterrupted sleep.

After climbing the stairs up the tower, two at a time, he came to the common room's entrance – the fat lady was snoring in a most undignified way.

In his rush to make it to be, he absentmindedly said the password, and made his way to the dorm.

As he spread the curtains of his four poster and slipped into bed, he was careful to keep silent – he couldn't wake his roommates, could he?

He fell asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

* * *

Given his constant nightmares, good dreams were few and far between.

This was a good dream. Scratch that, this was a VERY good dream.

A flock of gorgeous Veela pin-up models had gotten lost on a cross country trip. Being the only bloke in range, they asked him directions. They were so grateful for the help that they decided a_ reward_ was in store.

The plot was too far-fetched for a low budget adult film, but dream-Harry was quite happy with it.

Just as the Veela found interest in a certain part of his male anatomy, he was abruptly awoken to the sound of a particularly loud snore from his red-headed roommate.

For some reason Harry had a sudden urge to cry

A whole flock of Veela!

He practically whimpered.

However all thoughts of self-pity instantly dissipated when he noticed something was happening under his sheets... at that very moment.

All those buxom Veela had perhaps disappeared, but the sensations emanating from his groin had most definitely NOT.

Curious and very much aroused, Harry peaked under his covers and was enormously shocked to see a pair of silvery grey eyes peering back up at him.

Never losing eye contact, she removed her mouth from his member with a loud slurping sound. She put her hand on his todger, and gave it a squeeze.

With a bright smile on her face she said, "Hello Harry."

She pumped her hand up and down in a slow motion, each stroke making the smile on her face grow wider and wider.

Harry looked at her a few seconds and blinked. Waiting a moment, he blinked again. Taking a few seconds to remember that he did in fact have a voice he quietly whispered, "Uh, Luna?"

Luna – who had resumed working his bits with her mouth – stopped the suction, and let go of his penis with a audible 'pop'. She then replied, "Yes Harry?"

At a loss for words, Harry simply asked, "What's uh... 'goin on?"

"Oh not much Harry, how are you?" She answered, while pumping him rather vigorously under the blanket.

Harry was again left without much to say. "I'm fine... but well... what are you doing Luna?" He asked.

He then followed that with a rather loud grunt.

"I'm giving you a hand-job at the moment Harry, but that's only because a blow-job requires the use of a mouth and I need that to talk to you at the moment."

Huh, good answer...

"But... why did you decide to sneak into my dorm and give me a... Blow-job?" Harry asked.

Slowing her pace a bit, Luna looked at him for a second then deadpanned, "Flumpawumps, of course."

Detaching her hand, she quickly devoured his fully erect wand whole. He gave a low moan, and in response she applied some suction and started bobbing her head back and forth; each motion punctuated with a rhythmic slurping noise.

Harry threw back his head and let out another loud grunt. Giving himself a few seconds to formulate a response, he then asked, "Luna – _Oh Merlin!_ – what's a Flumpawump?"

Luna, as if not hearing him, continued to suck and caress his member in her mouth with her tongue.

Harry let out a low moan and before saying, "Luna?"

With a nice slow lick from base to tip, she stopped at the top. Gripping him firmly in her small hand, she started to pump his throbbing member once again.

Waiting a beat she answered, "Flumpawumps accumulate in teenage boys and make them do silly things such as: trip over their words near girls, follow blond haired boys around in the halls, or in rare cases boys will start to wear robes with weird moving objects in them and have creepy twinkling eyes. There is no cure if one were to let the Flumpawumps run rampant, so I'm sucking out the Flumpawumps while I still can." Taking a deep breath, she put her mouth back to work.

"Sooo… If you don't do this I turn into a pouf?"

She muttered an affirmative with her mouth full.

At this point Harry was breathing in short deep breaths. He knew he didn't have much time left.

He raised his head for a moment and looked around the room to see if anyone was aware of what was going on. All's clear.

Seeing no one, he looked back to Luna and saw that she had picked up her pace. She was pumping him furiously while sucking alternately between his dangly bits.

"Luna... I'm almost there!" he gasped between breaths.

Hearing him, she quickened her pace, and placed her mouth at the tip; gently applying suction.

He suddenly threw his head back on the pillow and let out a load moan.

"Uhhh...!"

As he came, she continued stroking him; letting him ride the wave. Her mouth, clamped firmly over his staff, was filled with his seed in spurts as she continued to suck.

His eyes rolled to the back of his head as it felt like it would never end. Then it did.

Even after the climax, she continued to tug lightly; milking out what was left. After licking the tip one last time, she swallowed all that remained in her mouth with a loud gulp.

She looked up at Harry with a bright smile.

After getting to her knees, she crawled to Harry's side. Leaning over to his ear, she whispered, "That was fun Harry, but I wasn't able to get them all."

She slid her legs off the side of the bed, and got to her feet. She started to walk away, but after a couple steps she turned and said, "We'll have to do this again to make sure we get them all."

Gathering his scattered brain, Harry then asked, "But when you um... do you have the uh... thingies... now?"

She let out a giggle and replied, "Girls can't get Flumpawumps, silly!"

She turned and walked out the door.

As she made her way to the portrait she let out a short laugh.

_Because Flumpawumps don't exist!

* * *

_

(AN: March 22, 2010)

I rewrote much of this chapter, I hope its more readable now.

-Lineape


	2. Flumpawumps 2: Return of the wumpsucker

Flumpawumps 2: Return of the wumpsucker.

* * *

He lazily looked down at his food. Some eggs and a few strips of bacon. Boring.

Nothing like her breakfast.

Over the meal, he had taken a few surreptitious looks over to the Ravenclaw table. He took note of her... unusual... meal.

It started with a flapjack, which was then topped with a few slices of bacon. Then four sliced strawberries. Syrup. A few large dollops of oatmeal. Followed by a slice of cheese, and then finally topped with another flapjack.

Watching her from afar, Harry watched her as she then proceeded to pick up her culinary monstrosity and eat it as a sandwich. He stared at her hands holding the flapjack-strawberry-thing. He shifted his gaze to her mouth; It was hard to imagine that less than a few hours previous that same mouth had been... and those hands...

It must have been a dream. Things like that just don't happen in real life.

The young man was jolted from those thoughts with a large displacement of weight on the bench and a powerful slap along his back.

"Hey mate!" his redheaded friend said, "Wanna go flying after breakfast?" Taking a look at the nearest communal food dish, he then shouted "Oh! Strawberries!"

While watching his friend gorge himself on his breakfast would be just oh-so-fun, Harry quickly returned his gaze to the girl across the room.

In his absence, she had put down her meal. Looking at her arm he saw why; a long bead of syrup had slowly crept down the inside edge of her arm. Careful not to blink, he watched as she run her tongue down the length of her arm. She then did so again. Wow. Watching her prepare to make another run, he was once again interrupted by his roommate.

"Hey Harry!" Ron said, pointing at the place where Harry had just been looking, "Look at that nutter! What the hell is she eating?"

Looking back, he once again saw her with the sandwich-which-shall-not-be-named back between her hands.

"Anyways mate, what about a nice little fly?" Ron said, mouth open and spitting pieces of egg as he spoke, "I could be keeper and you could fire a few shots at net. What ya say?"

But Harry's eyes had never left Luna. Glancing up from her meal, she locked eyes with him for a few seconds; tilting her head to the left. Breaking eye-contact, she resumed eating her... thingy.

Standing, and thankful that his baggy robes did an adequate job of concealing his lower half, he turned to his neighbor and said "Sorry Ron, but I have a, uh, essay to write."

Walking along the table, he chanced another glance at the girl and saw her licking the last of her meal off her fingers. Letting out a groan, Harry quickened his pace out of the great hall, and then turned a few corners.

The Room of Requirement would be a good place go to right about now. It was still early, so it would most definitely be empty. He desperately needed an empty room at this moment. Empty so he could...

His thoughts slowly drifted to breakfast, or rather, drifted to the girl licking syrup from her arm. Instantly his thoughts returned to the previous night; dream or not, her licking the syrup made him think of when she was licking his...

"Okay!" he grunted, "Room of Requirement, here I come."

"Why the Room of Requirement?" asked a quiet voice from behind his back.

Harry quickly turned and let out a yelp. His surprise further punctuated with a frightened hop.

"Luna!" he said, eyes darting to her still moist hands and arm.

"Hello Harry." She replied, "What kind of room do you require?"

"Um, I need a room to, uh..." he stuttered, looking everywhere but in her eyes. Glancing again at her hands, his mind was instantly regaled with flashes of their previous encounter. Giving his head a light shake in an attempt to clear his mind, he then said, "Is there something I can help you with Luna?"

"Oh, not at all Harry," she said.

Lightly shifting his legs in an attempt to further conceal his downstairs problem, his pants caught on his robes, and they suddenly were left open. His tented pants were in full view.

Glancing down for a moment, she suddenly looked him straight in the eye, and said, "Oh, do you you have an erection Harry?"

With his face turning an impressive shade of red, he stammered, "Uh, no! Of course not!"

"Oh, fooey!" she replied, "I was hoping for another chance to preform fellatio."

His eyes, which at the time were roaming over a particularly large portrait, quickly snapped towards hers.

It wasn't a dream! Last night she really... Bloody hell!

As a response to this revelation, his little downstairs problem started to go... upstairs. Stammering through another reply, Harry said, "Well I uh, I need to, uh, go somewhere right now."

"Are you sure Harry?" She asked, grabbing his shoulder as he attempted to walk away, "Flumpawumps are known to make young men stammer amongst girls, and we can't let that happen," Looking him dead in the eye, she then said, "Would you like me to give you another blow-job Harry?"

At this point, Harry could hear the blood pumping in his ears.

"Would you like me to follow you up to the Room of Requirement?" she asked, lightly squeezing his shoulder, "Masturbation will only lead to a resurgence in flumpawumps."

Harry, at a loss for words, just dumbly nodded his head and continued his trek up to the seventh floor.

"Oh good!" she said, "Maybe this time when you ejaculate I will be able to swallow the whole load." She turned to follow him and went along with a skip.

* * *

Nearing the corridor, she once again started to speak, "Most students have their sexual encounters in a broom closet while at Hogwarts," she said, doing a spin between skips, "Perhaps the room should become a broom closet?"

Still as nervous as possible, he replied, "Maybe..."

Taking his reply in stride, she continued, "If the room is to become a broom closet, then why not just go to a broom closet? I hear they have a nice pine smell."

Glancing back at her he said, "Well, we're here."

"Well, I guess a room that magically gives you whatever you want will be a viable substitute to a broom closet," she said with a small pout, "but will it have a pine smell?"

With a quiet chuckle, he paced three times and watched as a door appeared.

Stepping through the door, she was quickly surprised to smell...

"Pine! What a wonderful room! Aside the lack of brooms or a tightly confining space, you could almost imagine you were in a real broom closet!"

Closing the door behind him, he turned to her and mumbled, "So uh... what should I, er..."

"See, if we were in a broom closet, there would only be only be a few possible positions where I could pleasure you. You wouldn't have nearly as many choices, but now there are so many..." walking to the center of the room she turned and said, "Come Harry, we'll start on the chesterfield, it seems like a good place for me to suck on your penis," she continued to walk, "Oh, look! The room provided me with a shaggy carpet so that my knees will be comfortable; how thoughtful!"

Gathering his gryffindor qualities, Harry walked to the sofa and sat quietly. Looking to Luna, he saw that she was already kneeling before him.

She slowly ran her hands over his thighs, starting from the knee and working her way upwards. A hand lightly grazed the tent that was his pants, but then she moved her hands to his hips and pulled him closer to the edge. Lightly running a hand up his inner thigh, she then moved it to his bulging member and gave it a light squeeze through the dense material of his pants.

Removing her gaze from his groin, she looked up. "Your penis is quite hard, should I undo your pants and release it?" she asked, giving it another light squeeze, "It's probably quite painful."

Moaning from the contact, Harry nodded his head almost immediately. She took that as a yes, and within moments she had removed his belt and undid the button on his pants. Slowly removing the zipper with one hand, she rubbed him through his pants with the other. Giving his pants a pull, he raised his bottom lightly to help her progress.

With his pants off, Luna returned her attention to his throbbing member. She gripped him through the material of his boxers, and bent over to lightly kiss the tip. Letting go, she slid her hands to his waistband and gave it a tug. Knowing the drill, he raised him bum to accommodate.

Sitting there bare from the waist down Harry was stuck with a terrifying thought. She had only seen him in the dark! What if she thought he was small and laughed?! What if she walked away and told everyone the boy-who-lived was tiny below the belt?!

As if sensing his fears, she gripped his member and said, "You have a lovely penis Harry, and I like what you've done with your pubic hair; I don't fancy needing a floss afterwards."

Kissing the tip, she grabbed his snake and pumped her hand a few times. Giving Harry a small smile, she then engulfed his chap in her mouth. Applying suction, she slowly moved up and down his member; twirling her tongue as she went. With her hands free, she roamed his body. First his thigh, then his hip, and then her hands drifted under his shirt and slid over his abdomen.

She was not the only one with roaming hands. Letting out a loud grunt, he placed one hand on the back of her head; moving his hand in time with her constant rhythm. A few load slurps were heard as she bobbed her head back and forth. Pulling back she then licked her hand and placed it on his chum and proceeded to milk him rather forcefully. He gasped at her pace.

Looking back up she said, "You know Harry, we never talk." Slowing her pace a touch, she then asked, "What new with you Harry?" She than looked back at his cob and gave it a slow lick from base to tip, she then went back to milking him dry with her hand. Her off hand slid to his bottom and gave it a little squeeze. "Harry?" She asked.

Clearing the cobwebs, Harry waited a tic before responding, "Well, currently I'm having a... flumpawump?" looking to her for confirmation, and seeing a nod, he continued, "I'm having flumpawumps removed. And what going on with you Luna?"

"Well, I'm removing those flumpawumps you mentioned, but that not what I meant. How are you? How are classes?"

Groaning from her most recent ministrations, he asked, "Is this really the time for this conversation Luna?"

"I was only trying to make smalltalk Harry, there's no need to get testy." she said, as she ran a finger over his crown, "Oh! Testicles!"

Moving her head down to his stones, she then placed one in her mouth and applied a light bit of suction, all the while she continued to rub him furiously.

While one hand was busy, the other drifted to the back of his thigh. She stroked the back of his thigh, continuing down to the back of his knee, and then rubbed down his calve.

Removing her mouth from one sack, she then went and licked the other. The lick turned upwards and eventually she was back to his equipment and she gave the tip a powerful suck. Pushing her head forward as much as possible, she felt him hitting the back of her thought. Making a gagging noise she slowly dragged her head back, lightly grazing his member with the top row of her teeth.

Looking up, she said, "Well, I'll need to work on that; can't have me gagging every time I try that."

Putting her mouth back to work, Harry let out a whimper. It felt so damn good! But he knew it was going to come to an end soon. Pressure started building and he knew that he had just moments 'til climax.

"Luna, I'm coming!" he cried, closing his eyes for a moment.

Taking her mouth from his member, she then started rubbing him back and forth at a very high pace. Aiming his member away from her mouth, a slick stream of liquid splashed onto her face running from her forehead to the tip of her nose. And then another, on her left cheek, and then one last burst directly into her mouth. Taking his rod into her mouth she continued to suckle for a long moment, one of her hands at the base, and the other running circles on his heavily breathing chest.

Waiting a moment to look at his member, she then said, "Oh fooey! I forgot to swallow all of your semen!"

As if to prove her statement, she then moved a hand to her forehead and wiped a good bit of cum onto her hand. Looking at the gooey substance for a moment, she put her hand to her mouth and proceeded to tentatively lick the stuff off. Repeating the process, she spent a good minute or so cleaning her face.

Sitting on the chesterfield, Harry tilted his head back and let out a loud sigh. His chest raising and falling quickly.

"So... you have to do this again because you didn't, um, swallow?" he asked watching as she cleaned her hand.

Pausing her clean-up, she said, "Oh no, I swallowed. I just didn't manipulate your penis to shoot directly into my mouth. That's the important part." Licking her hand again, she then stopped to say, "And now that you ejaculated onto my face, the chumbawumbas are going to be drawn to me; oh whatever shall I do?"

Harry saw the look of sadness on her face. "Chumbawumbas? What are those?" he asked, "Is there anything I can do?"

She turned her head to the left and sighed. "I just couldn't ask you to help." she said.

"Whatever it is, I'll do it! It's the least I can do with all you've done!" he replied.

"Well... okay Harry." she said, pausing for effect, "I need you to preform cunnilingus on me..."

* * *

AN: Its fun writing Luna. Personally, I like to write her as if she were a female version of Albus Dumbledore... who was high on mushrooms... and horny... Well spoken, but speaking of strange things.

And my Harry is just oh so gullible...

Hmmm.... maybe I should make this a bit longer? What do you all think? A few more chapters? There isn't really much of a plot to this, so I can make it as long or short as needed. Leave a response. ;)

* * *

(AN: March 22, 2010)

* * *

Not nearly as bad as the previous chapter, but there were still quite a few errors.

Hopefully its a tad more readable.

-Lineape


	3. Flumpawumps 3: Dawn of the Chumbawumbas

Flumpawumps 3: Dawn of the Chumbawumbas

* * *

"...Eh?" Harry squeaked.

"Cunnilingus." Luna replied, "You know, eating pussy? Chewing the muff? Carpet munching? Kneeling at the alter? Yodeling in the valley-?"

Growing brighter after every euphemism, he cut her off replying, "I know what cunnilingus is!"

Not skipping a beat she said, "Good, I was running out of all the good ones. All I had left was 'Lapping at the lint trap', and quite frankly I don't even know what that means..."

"Oh, you see muggles do their laundry by... _anyways!_ You want me to... um..."

"Cunnilingus Harry, I want you to eat me out. Ah! I knew another!"

Harry shuffled his feet on the floor.

Not sure of what to say, he started, "I... uh... well, I've never done... _that_... before."

"Oh, that's fine Harry. I've never had a boy's penis in my mouth before yesterday; look how well that turned out," she replied.

"Yeah..." was all he could think of to say, "That was awesome..."

"I am sure you would do a more than adequate job of stimulating my clitoris, or sticking your tongue into my vagina," she replied, quickly adding, "A finger or two would also be welcome."

"Are you sure your okay with...?" he asked carefully.

"It'll be fun Harry. Besides, its the only way to remove chumbawumbas without anal penetration."

"Anal penet - Okay so how do you want to do this?"

"Well, the chesterfield looks very inviting. Plus you can use that very nice shaggy carpet to protect your knees; it worked wonders for me."

As she walked towards her seat, she undid a few buttons. Dropping the robes to the floor, she was revealed to be wearing a neon green t-shirt with the phrase, 'I love portable swamps' plastered on the front. Her skirt was normal enough though.

Looking to Luna for confirmation, and receiving it in the form of a nod, he sent a shaky hand to her waist. In a moment of bravery, he put both hands around her waistband and pulled straight down.

Taking a look, he was a little surprised with what he saw; given that it was Luna however, he quickly realized that he really shouldn't be.

"So... um.. you're not wearing any knickers?"

"Oh, will that be an issue? I suppose the room could provide a pair if you really wish to smell some, or you could conceivably put them in your mouth. Although truthfully, that will likely get in the way of the cunnilingus."

Taking another look he noticed something else. "Thats okay... um..."

"You might notice that I have shaved off my pubic hair. It's mostly for hygienic reasons; however from what I overheard from some boys, long pubic hair is not attractive. Apparently Millicent Bulstrode's is quite long; somewhere in the neighborhood of five inches... they were comparing it to a birds nest... or was it a freshly vomited hairball...?"

"Okay! Um... yeah... that should never be repeated ever again Luna." Harry replied, attempting to banish the mental image, "Ever, ever again."

"Okay Harry. Would you like to continue?" she asked.

"Just... give me a second to clear my head from that picture..." Harry said, peeking a look between Luna's spread legs, "Okay, I'm good."

"Excellent Harry, now don't be shy. If you have any questions feel free to ask," she said, quickly adding, "Oh, and don't be afraid to get your hands dirty."

Taking that as his cue, Harry knelt down between Luna's spread legs. He took a hand and slowly traced a line starting from her knee to her inner thigh. His other hand went from her lower thigh, to her hip. Gripping her waist, he gave a light pull in order to compel her closer to the edge of the cushion.

Harry, while lacking in any experience in these things, was eager to please. He lowered his head down, and started to trail kisses down her inner thigh. He then rubbed the opposite thigh with the palm of his hand. The kisses turned into a lick, and he slowly ran a line down her thigh. He suddenly stopped when he heard giggles.

"That tickles Harry." she said, but quickly added, "But by all means carry on, don't let that stop you."

Any tension or nervousness he felt instantly evaporated, and Harry quickly restarted in earnest. Putting his hand forward, he ran a finger over her outer lips. Curious to see more, he carefully spread them open. Not sure how to proceed, he looked up to Luna for guidance.

"See that little nub near the top? That's the clitoris." She explained, "Give it a lick, or a suck. Either is fine."

Heeding her advice, he lent down and gave it an experimental lick. Than another. He started to move his tongue around in tight circular motions. He listened carefully to her breath rate as a sort of barometer. Taking the little nub into his mouth, he gave it a little suck. Hearing a low moan, he knew he did something right. He gave it another suck, and then another.

Feeling a tad adventurous with her positive reaction, Harry brought a single finger to her opening. Applying a little pressure his finger slipped in. Holy shit it's tight!

"Yes! Keep going Harry!" she moaned.

Harry was happy to oblige. Keeping his mouth going, he slowly brought his finger all the way out. He then pushed his digit all the way back in. He took a few experimental twists on the next few pushes, and noticed a sharp increase in her breath rate.

Remembering the talk in the dorm-room, he decided to try something. Seamus said that, "To keep it fresh while 'workin at her at 'er bits, you gotta make sure that 'ur tongue aint 'doin the same stuff over 'an over see? What I do is spell the alphabet 'wif my tongue. That always gets 'em 'screamin ya know what I mean, eh?"

Harry thought it was worthy for a try. Still working her insides with his index finger, Harry started to spell with his tongue. A, B, C, D... he made it to H before she started squirming in her seat and yelling his name.

Thank. You. Seamus. Perhaps a card isn't the proper gift for that kind of advice... maybe the story from which the thank you originated would suffice? Or, perhaps just a bottle or two of fire-whiskey, the Irish like to drink right?

Harry decided to up the ante so to speak, and added another finger to the mix. For a minute or two he stayed with the same formula: spell the alphabet with the tongue - uppercase and lowercase -, and pushing and pulling the fingers in and out, with a slight twist on every few repetitions.

With something new to try, Harry turned his hand so that it was palm up. Instead of a pumping motion with his fingers, Harry was now curling his fingers inward as if motioning "Come here".

The yelling hadn't stopped, actually, she started yelling even louder! Well, now he knew that the new method works as even better. Excellent. Mixing it up with his tongue, he decided to change the motion; up and down, side to side, and now a powerful suck.

Switching tactics again, Harry removed his fingers. Moving his face to the opening he heard a growl. "Don't stop now!" she hissed. Not one to argue, he stuck out his tongue and started to move it around inside. He then moved his rather moist hand to her clit, running his thumb over the nub. He then gave it a very mild squeeze. Meanwhile his tongue was kicking up a storm.

Seems the alphabet is good for learning, and for oral sex. Wonderful!

Another minute or two passed before her gyrating hips started to really start to pick up. Feeling this, he decided to pick up the pace. He flicked his tongue furiously, and added a finger into her opening just to mix it up. Seconds later she arched her back and let out a rather loud scream. Still gyrating her hips, Harry kept up the pace. After a long moment she eventually stopped moving her hips and slumped down onto the couch.

Exhausted.

Seeing that she was spent, Harry gently removed his fingers and tongue.

He slowly got up and did a little stretch. Cunnilingus is hard work!

Feeling himself worthy of a break, he sat down on the seat, directly beside Luna. He looked at her and saw her eyes closed. She was just so... well, guys don't say cute. She was gorgeous. He slowly ran a hand through her hair, and he felt her press her head against his hand. She smiled and let out a pleased sigh.

Seeing a chance, he slowly lowered his head for a kiss.

* * *

AN: I'm a guy, so I can fantasize a lot about fellatio, but cunnilingus is just not something I think about. Hopefully it wasn't terrible.

Fun to write about though.

BTW, feel free to peruse through my other stories, I'm not getting much of a response from them so I'm unsure if people are into them at all.

Ciao!

* * *

(AN: March 22, 2010)

* * *

Not much changed here, some grammatical errors, and a few sentences were changed to ensure a better flow.

-Lineape

* * *

(AN: Aug 26, 2010)

* * *

I received an anonymous review that I LOLed at and needed to respond to.

To clarify, Robin Hood; I do not fantasize about giving blowjobs. Sorry dude, but any fantasies I have about blowjobs revolve around me receiving them.

Perhaps I wasn't clear in my AN, but when I fantasize about sex, my eating a chick out is not the first thing I think about. I'm pretty sure that's about the same for any guy in the world. I like doing it IRL because the ladies enjoy it and because if you DO do it, then they will be more likely willing to reciprocate in kind, but it's not something I think about when I'm by myself... Or whatever.

TMI? Probably.

-Lineape


	4. Flumpawumps 4: A Witty Title

Flumpaumps 4: ...A witty title

* * *

It was meant to be a very light kiss. A graze if you will. Hardly a kiss at all.

Which was why Harry was rather stunned when she kissed him back. Just the lips at first, but almost immediately he felt a tongue press against them; probing and asking for access. He let her in, and decided to join in himself.

No wonder Ron wont shut up about snogging Laveneder, this is awesome!

One of his hands ran down her back, while the other moved up to her hair. He ran his fingers through the blond locks, and noticed the silky smooth texture.

Swinging a leg over his, she was suddenly straddling him. With her in control she intensified the kiss.

Huh, you can still taste a hint of strawberries and syrup. Can't taste the bacon though... weird.

After a nice long snog, Luna pulled back. Both indulged in a deep breath of air.

Luna then sighed. "Oh Harry, Why must you make things so difficult?" She asked, with a false air of annoyance, "Did you really need to kiss me just moments after the cunnilingus?"

Between large gulps of air, he replied, "Eh? What?"

"Well, now the uh... Chumbawumbas... will be back in full force," she said, running a finger down his still clothed chest, "Now the only way to get rid of them will be though vaginal intercourse..."

Something clicking in his mind, harry replied, "Wait, didn't you say it had to be anal--"

"Never mind that Harry," she said attempting to hand-wave her minor slip-up, "We need to get rid of them regardless of what I may have um... mistakenly said earlier."

Harry sat quietly for a moment, his mind working at a mile a minute. Well, she's clearly not as good a liar as she thinks she is... but if she wants to shag, then who am I to deny her?

"So sex then?" he said, with a tone of resignation.

"Yes, we will both have to endure." she replied.

Suddenly a bed materialized across from them. Rather plain, but it looked sturdy.

"Ah, what a wonderful room! I think it's good you stuck with it and didn't let my intense cynicism deride your choice of rooms. A broom closet just wouldn't do, not enough room to have sex comfortably." she stated, matter of factly.

"Right, so um... will this get rid of the flumpawumps as well?" he asked.

"I'm not sure, do you think it will Harry?" she asked in turn, fitting him with a piercing stare.

Returning the stare, he replied, "I sure as hell hope not."

With that remark, he grabbed her hand and practically dragged her over to the bed.

Both sitting on the edge of the mattress, Harry kissed her again. This one was not so light, and with a touch of aggressiveness he was the first to start exploring with both his tongue and his hands. A hand snaked under her top and slowly brushed over her breast.

Well, she wasn't wearing knickers, so why would she be wearing a bra?

Running a thumb over a nipple, he moved the other hand to her back. Starting in the middle he moved down to her bum and gave it a nice squeeze before going up as far as he could reach before he hit resistance and he realized the top had to go.

Removing the hand that had traveled from one nipple to the other, he placed both of his mitts at the base of her shirt and gave it a pull upwards.

Luna, accommodating as she was, lifted her arms straight up to make the task easier, before she did the same in kind to his shirt.

Moments later, both teens sat starkers on a bed in an empty room.

Harry gave her a sly smile, and reconvened his roaming hands. Moments later, one hand returned to her breast while the other was back roaming her behind.

Alternately her hands were gliding around his body. One was sliding up and down his chest, while the other was moving up and down his thigh. It was inching closer and closer to his manhood; He took a short breath in anticipation.

When she started to run her fingernails up and down his shaft, he decided that turnaround was fair-play and moved a hand down to her opening. With no preamble whatsoever, he stuck two fingers straight in; he was rewarded with a sharp gasp from Luna.

Pumping his fingers in and out a few times, he then turned to her and kissed her again. The kiss was forceful and was filled with lust. She responded in kind, attacking his tongue and teeth with a vengeance.

While Harry was working her down below she hadn't sit idly by; with his member in a firm grip, she ran her thumb over the head.

Taking her free hand to her mouth, she abruptly interrupted their kiss and gave her hand a lick. Replacing one hand for the other, she started to rub her moistened hand all over his gadget.

Harry knew he was ready, and from the look in her eye, he was betting she was ready too.

Removing both hands from her body, he slid to the middle of the bed. Patting the empty space beside him, he watched as she complied.

Seeing her lie on her back, he crawled on top and kissed her again, this time rather tenderly. Stopping the kiss, he looked her in the eye and asked, "Are you sure you want to do this Luna?"

"Yes Harry," she replied leaning up to give him a quick nip on his lip.

"Okay Luna," He said, positioning himself between her legs, "From what I've heard the first time is supposed to hurt, so I'll be really slow and careful at first."

"Don't worry about it Harry, I broke my hymen last year on a broomstick." She replied in a dreamy voice.

That gave Harry food for thought. She broke it on a broomstick? Like riding on a broomstick? Or did she... you know what, he wouldn't be surprised either way.

With a little chuckle he said, "Okay then, are you ready?"

"But Harry, everyone know that to get rid of chumbawumba's the girl needs to be on top!" She replied.

This time it wasn't a chuckle, he laughed out loud before he said, "Okay Luna, maybe later on, but I get to be on top to start."

With a cheeky smile she replied, "Okay Harry, but in the future it might just be easier to let me be the one on top, less bickering and all."

That statement set the tone for the rest of their sexual relationship.

Hearing her last response he decided to take the plunge. Literally and figuratively.

* * *

AN: Lemon in the next chapter. Avert your eyes children. Wait, if there are children then why have they been reading so far?! My God, I'm poisoning our youth with this vile filth!

Children! Sex is for procreation! Its not for fun! Its icky! Icky and sticky!

*ahem*

Anyways yes, the 'on top' part was a reference to my other fic, "The Many Deaths of Tom Riddle"

My God! Their in the same universe?!

Cheers,

* * *

AN: March 22, 2010

* * *

This chapter was a lot better. Not much changed at all.

Chapter five will happen... eventually. Not tonight. :P


	5. Flumpawumps 5: The Grand Finale?

Flumpawumps 5: The grand finale?

* * *

_He decided to take the plunge. Literally and figuratively.  
_

He closed his eyes and grunted loudly when he first pushed in.

Thousands of thoughts ran through his mind at the same time.

I'm not a virgin!

I'm a man!

Holy shit — it's so effing tight!

What we were doing before was great, but this is just so much better!

-- And oh so many more.

If he could covey any of those thoughts with words he would, but all that came out was another loud grunt followed by a high-pitched whiny noise.

As he moved out for the first time, Luna wrapped her arms around his shoulders and lifted herself up, kissing him passionately as he started an excruciatingly slow pace.

He kissed back, their tongues fiercely battling for real-estate, meanwhile he started to move his hips a little more rapidly.

He moved back and forth; all the way out, then all the way back in.

Harry let out a loud moan, but he wasn't the only one making noise. Who would have pegged quiet little Luna as a screamer?

Right, what was he thinking…

The long slow thrusts turned into short and swift ones.

She moved with him, keeping in time with his tempo.

They continued to move against each other. A few minutes in Harry noted that her hands had dropped from his shoulders to his waist; pushing him in faster and faster.

Soon that wasn't enough for her, and so she started to try and roll the two of them over.

She wanted on top!

Personally, he kind of liked the status quo, and so he fought against her.

She can have the top later dammit! Its my bloody turn!

What started as passionate lovemaking, soon all but turned into a wrestling match -- each jockeying for for the top, all the while they grinded against each other with reckless abandon.

For her size, Luna was deceptively strong, but with his years of quiddich training he was able to keep her in check.

That was, until she threw all her weight into one pull both of them rolled right over…

…and promptly fell onto the floor.

Harry, being on the bottom, took the brunt of the damage from the fall.

Laying there winded, Harry was unable to put up much of a fight, and Luna was keen to take advantage.

Not giving him any time to protest, she started to rock back and forth with a vengeance. It wasn't just her hips, with every motion, and with every thrust, her entire body moved back and forth. With her body nearly horizontal over him, her lovely breasts swayed back and forth right in front of his face.

He was in heaven, but the visual was too much for the boy – man – to handle, so he started to fill his head with thoughts of anything but her; it was an attempt to postpone his imminent eruption.

Ron eating breakfast. Eww…

Dumbledore naked. Double eww…

Umbridge naked… with a thong… EWWWWWW!!!

All three at the same time while umbridge bends over to lick dumbledore's –

WHY THE HELL AM I THINKING ABOUT THIS!?!!?

While disgusting, a potential upside with Harry's disturbing mental trip was that he bought himself a few more minutes.

When he opened his eyes, he saw that she was no longer thrusting back and forth with her gorgeous breasts swaying in front of his face. No, she was now sitting almost straight up; gyrating her hips around and around in circles.

He could see in perfect clarity where the two of them were joined.

She had her eyes closed. One hand was furiously groping a breast while the other was heatedly running over her clitoris.

Seeing her lost in her world, he decided to re-take control.

Grabbing her hips, he started to push himself in and out, clenching his teeth as he went.

Each motion drew him closer and closer to the finish, but he didn't care.

Faster and faster he went; the sounds of their groans and moans filling the air.

When suddenly, during what he assumed was an orgasm, he felt her clench him tightly. With her hitting her climax, he no longer felt the need to hold back; a few thrusts later he lost control and burst.

He still continued to thrust -- his pace faster than ever before -- as he filled her with his seed.

The euphoria lifting, he gradually slowed his pace until he came to a complete stop.

Finished, and completely spent, he rested his head on the floor and let out a contented sigh.

She was rather content herself. She lay down on top of him; her stunning body draped over him like a cloth, and she kissed him tenderly.

Her kissed her for a moment, then abruptly started to laugh.

Lifting her mouth from his for a moment and with a smile on her face she asked, "What's so funny?"

He kept laughing for a moment before replying between the odd chuckle, "I'm sorry… its just… Flumpawumps? Seriously?" He laughed again, "Chumbawumbas? You couldn't come up with better names?"

She laughed herself before saying, "It worked didn't it?"

His suspicions confirmed, he laughed again.

Pausing from his mirth for a moment he said, "Yeah but… well you could have just asked me out or something… or just said that you fancied me."

"Well, where's the fun in that?"

"True."

* * *

AN: well, that was fun.

This is kind of the end of the story, and I'll be labeling it as 'complete'

BUT! In the future I'll be posting omake's with little lemons/limes here and there.

I have a great one in my head involving a disillusionment charm and some exhibitionism.

So while it's the end, but not really.

Thanks for all the great reviews.

PS: Luna's not going to get pregnant or anything. Let's just say she's on the pill, or 'the potion', or something.

-Lineape


	6. Omake 1: Breakfast of champions

Omake #1: Breakfast of champions

* * *

You and the boys came into the great hall for breakfast.

They were both chatting excitedly about their quiddich prospects; while Harry was sure of their impending victory, Ron was just happy for a chance to play.

You trailed behind by a few feet, your head hidden behind a book; you have no interest whatsoever in what the _boys_ are talking about.

You'll take NEWT runes theory over a quiddich discussion any day of the week.

When it came time to choose seats, you chose to sit across from the two sport fanatics, and let the two of them continue with their silly discussion about racing brooms of all things.

You'd think that after almost six years of exposure you would find an interest in the game – especially when one (and now two!) of your best friends is on the team – but the game just doesn't make any sense!

Who makes a team game where the entire outcome is almost entirely determined by a single player?

Aside the world cup, how many games have you heard of where the team that caught the snitch _lost_? None. Its so damn rare that you actually had to look it up!

Silly game.

You look up to see that while Ron is still talking, Harry is miles away with a far-off look on his face.

"So harry, what do you think of Defense this year?" you say, taking a moment of silence as a chance to cut in. There was no response. "Harry?"

"Huuh..? What?" he asked.

"Defense. How do you like Professor Snape teaching defense this year?"

"Uhh... Fan-- Fantastic."

Not exactly what one normally hears coming from Harry about the professor.

"Fantastic? Really? Have things warmed up between you two this year?"

"W-Warm? It's definitely warm..."

Amazing, its like he's dropped a hundred IQ points in a minute.

You grab a banana, and as you peel it you you see his eyes bulge.

"What?"

"Nothing!"

"...Okay"

You put the banana in your mouth and give it a bite. Perfect ripeness. A good banana goes great with breakfast. You roll the piece of fruit around in your mouth for a moment.

Readying another bite, you hear a loud groan and look up.

"Uhhh..."

At that moment, he has his head back, and his eyes are closed.

What the hell?

You also take not of the fact that he is gripping the table so hard that his fingers are turning white.

"Harry? Harry!" There you go. "Whats going on Harry?"

"W-what?" he squeaked.

"Whats going on Harry? Something is clearly happening, what am I missing?"

"Nothing is happening! Everything is normal!"

"Come on Harry, whats going on?"

"_Come_... on... for Merlin's sake..."

He mumbles something about dissillusionment, a banana and possibly something that was coming, but you can't be sure.

His breath rate speeds up and for a moment you think he's hyperventilating, but then suddenly he calms down and lays his head on the table.

His breathing pattern slows with each passing second.

After a good minute of him resting his head on his arm, he sits back up and says, "Well... I've gotta go and get ready for class."

"Okay Harry, are you feeling alright? I'll walk you to the dorm."

"I'm fine Hermione. More than fine, I'm great."

You kick the still eating moron from across the table and tell him that you're all leaving.

The three of you make it out of the great hall without incident, but just as you make it through the door, you see Luna walking towards you.

"Luna? Did you miss breakfast? They've just cleared the tables, but I'm sure you can find something in the kitchens if you're hungry."

"I'm fine Hermione." Luna said, looking Harry in the eye, "I already ate."

At that, Luna sauntered away, her hips swaying with every step.

You notice that Harry's eyes follow her all the way down the hall until she turns at the next corridor and disappears from view.

"...Okay," Hermione said.

"Totally loony that girl is." Ron said.

"I'm really starting to like her." Harry says, completely out of nowhere. Realizing what he just said, he blushes and leaves in the same direction that Luna went.

"Huh," You say.

* * *

AN: As I come up with them, I'll post short little omakes. Not all will have lemons (this one didn't) and not all will even have limes.

Most will be little plot bunnies that make sense with the HarryxLuna pairing.

-Lineape


	7. Omake 2 and 3: Tips and a Nazi

Omake 2: A few tips

* * *

After perhaps the longest charms class in the history of the world, Luna was getting ready to leave.

She smoothed down her robes and stood carefully; her legs shook from the marathon double charms class. Not that the length of the class had anything to do with her wobbly legs...

Moments after standing, the professor called out to her.

"Miss Lovegood?"

"Y-yes Professor?" she responded, her voice as shaky as her legs.

"If you see Mr. Potter, could you tell him he needs to put some more work into his dissillusionment charm?" Flitwick asked innocently.

A choking noise came from Luna's general direction; namely from under her desk.

"You could also suggest some research into silencing charms." he said, clearly holding back a smile.

"Will do Professor." Luna replied; she too holding back a smile.

"Oh, and ten points to ravenclaw for not causing a scene; it must have taken a great amount of restraint to keep quiet for the whole class." he added with mirth in his eyes.

"You have no idea..."

* * *

Omake 3: The Broom Closet Nazi

* * *

Ron was roaming the halls; it was his nightly patrol, and he was doing his job to the best of his ability.

In his two years as prefect, he had become something of a legend amongst the upper years.

He was known to all the hormonal teenagers looking to work on their night moves as the 'Broom Closet Nazi'.

It was a muggle thing, so he didn't get the reference.

Ron was a jealous sort of bloke. He wasn't 'getting any', so he made it his personal mission in life to disrupt as many broom closet encounters as he possibly could.

If he couldn't get laid, then no one else could!

No one would be doing the naked happy dance on his watch!

It was a good night for the Nazi; four sexual encounters disrupted. He was only half way through his shift, and he was only two away from his record!

Well, he did catch Pansy three separate times, with thee separate boys no less, perhaps she should only count as one?

Nah, he'd count all three. His previous record had Pansy counted twice after all...

He was on his sixteenth broom closet check when he saw something he'd never thought he'd see.

As he opened the door, Ron saw Luna Lovegood -- of all people -- sitting on an overturned bucket. Her legs were spread open just enough to fit a head in between, well... the head was pressed right _there_.

She had her legs squeezed so tightly around the head that it was doubtful that whoever was down there could hear anything at all.

He was about to scold her when he recognized the head.

...Harry?

"Hello Ronald."

"Luna... w-what are –?"

"Oh, harry and I are just exploring the finer points of broom closet etiquette."

"I saw that but..."

"You see, up until this point, Harry and I have kept our encounters away from the broom closets, but I felt that we were missing an essential part of the Hogwarts experience by excluding them."

"Um, well the thing is –"

She took a deep breath through her nose.

"Do you smell that? That's what pine smells like. Its very refreshing, but the smell is not as overpowering as I was led to believe."

"I, err, well..."

"Anyways, as fun as this discussion is, I would like to focus on Harry now; he is doing something very nice for me at the moment and I don't want to appear inattentive or anything. If you would like to chat at a later time, then I'm sure something can be arranged."

"But, you're, um..."

"Goodbye Ronald."

"Um... right. Bye."

In his haste to get out, he slammed the door quite loudly.

Harry lifted his head and looked around quickly; his mouth was wet and dripping with her juices.

"Eh, did I just hear something? What was that noise?" he asked.

"Nothing important, get back to work Harry. We still have eighty-four to go before we have a full set, these broom closets won't christen themselves after all. "

"'K."

He dove right back in.

* * *

AN: Do people like the omakes? I know that they're not full chapters, but I think they still capture the feel of the original story.

There wasn't much of a plot to the story anyways, so perhaps the omake format works better?

Tally ho!

-Lineape

PS: Is the lack of lemons off putting? Personally I like writing the character interactions more than the lemons, but I can write a few more if need be ^_^.


	8. Omake 4 and 5: Booze and the Nasty

Omake 4: He even left a card.

* * *

The two boys pushed and shoved each-other as they made their way up the stairs.

"…So then she said the magic words, 'wanna take this somewhere more quiet?'. That's when I made my move."

"Bull-_shit_" he replied, giving the guy a rough shove. "I was there that night Dean, and that's the part where 'yeh threw up and passed out! Nothin' happened!"

Dean shoved him straight back.

"You're just jealous, there's no need to lie!"

"I'm not lyin'! If you think you got pissed and had your naughty little way with the Patil sisters, then there be somethin' wrong with ya' lad."

"There was nothing little about it, I'll have you know!"

"Fuck off man! What do you take me for huh?"

Seamus pushed him one last time, and did so a little too hard. They both fell in a heap right before their dorm, and they pushed and shoved each-other on the stone floor for a moment before the Irish youth rolled onto his back and started to laugh.

It wasn't long before Dean joined in.

"It could have happened!" he said between hearty laughs.

"Not bloody likely, maybe it would have worked better if they were the ones drunk and you were sober?"

"Hey! You saying I can't catch a bird? I dated Ginny Weasely! She's a fox!"

"That din' make any sense. She a bird or a fox?"

"Both!"

"Didn't close though, did ya'?"

"…No"

"There ya' go. I'm likin' the honesty though!" he said, and he got to his feet. "Up you go boy-o"

Seamus pulled him to his feet and they were off into the room.

"For the record, I don't think my inability to close with her had anything to do with me; I still think she's into Potter…"

"You keep tellin' yourself that bud, you keep… hey, what's that on me bed?"

"How would I know, I didn't put it there!"

"Is that a fuckin' fruit basket? Again? I'm not gay! Stop it already!"

"I didn't say you were gay."

"Is it 'cause I'm Irish? Is that why everyone thinks I'm gay? Bono's Irish, and no one thinks he's a poof!"

"I think he's a poof, but that's just me. Well, there's no reason to let good food go to waste, want an apple or something?"

"I do like apples."

"There you go. Wait, this isn't a fruit basket."

"Muffins? I'll take something manly; like a bran muffin."

"First, bran isn't manly, it's elderly. Second, it's not muffins. It's booze."

Seamus' eyes lit up.

"Booze?"

"Lots of it. It's arrayed in a bit of a bouquet, so you can gleam some gay insults from that if you'd like."

"…Someone sent me booze?"

"Yes. There is a booze basket sitting on your bed."

Seamus sprinted over to his bed to take a long hard look at his gift.

"This is the best gift anyone has ever given me…" A single tear fell down his cheek.

"Whoa. It's just booze man."

He ran a lone finger over an overly large bottle of whiskey.

"But it's _my_ booze."

"There's a note; it says, 'Thank you. –HP.'" Dean looked up from the note and looked at Seamus, "What did you do for Harry that required him to gift you this much of the good stuff?"

"I don't know, but it must have been quite the service…" he trailed off for a moment before addressing Dean once again, "Hey, let's find the Patil twins and see if we can get lucky!"

"The twins are mine Seamus!"

"Let's just see if ya' can snag one of 'em before going for the set, eh?"

"Hey, it's not like I have to convince girls that I'm _really, really_ not gay before they'll take me seriously!"

"Why you!"

…By the time they ended their impromptu brawl, it was curfew and the Patils were fast asleep in their beds.

* * *

Omake 5: That's just nasty…

* * *

"Luna, there are some things I just will not do, and this is one of them."

"Really? You won't?

"No, that looks and sounds disgusting! How could _anyone_ go for that?"

"Hey, I'm quite partial to a—"

"Don't say it! If you don't day it, I don't have to picture it!"

"'Cmon! Just a little bit, it's not as gross as it sounds."

"How could it not be? Imagine all the stuff… just, pouring… out of it…" he said, "It makes me gag just thinking of it!"

"You watched me yesterday! Did you gag then?"

"No."

"If I do so recall, you were so hot and bothered that you had to leave the room and I had to polish your wand… remember?"

"I guess so…"

"Okay then, just put your hands around it, and go to town!"

Harry let out a reluctant sigh before lifting up the pancake-bacon-jam-oatmeal-syrup sandwich.

"Here goes nothing."

He took a big bite out of the monstrosity and chewed carefully for a few moments.

"Well?" she finally asked.

He swallowed the bite before finally saying, "Surprisingly good."

"See! Now we're going to replace the jam for gravy on the next one…"

"Okay… Wait, what?"

* * *

AN:

If you don't 'get' omake 4, I suggest re-reading the third chapter :P

It has something to do with Some advice Seamus gave Harry.

Anyways, thanks for the extra warm response to the omakes. They're really fun to write.

I'll write some more lemons in the future.

-Lineape


	9. Omakes 6 and 7: Dorms and Tunes

Omake 6: The problem with dorm rooms…

* * *

She slid up the bed and whispered in his ear.

"Hey stud, wanna have some fun?"

"Uhhh… not now… wait, what! Luna!"

"Oh, sorry Neville, wrong bed. Harry's is one to the left, right?"

"Oh, um. Yeah."

"'Kay. See ya Neville."

"Um. Bye then."

Neville watched Luna walk up to the bed on his right with an utterly confused look on his face.

"Hey stud, wanna have some fun?"

"Oh yeah… wait, what! Luna!"

"Oh, sorry Dean. Harry's bed is to the left right?"

"No. Um, that's Neville."

"Oh! Right. Silly me. I'll just keep looking till I find him. Don't mind me."

Only two beds left. Fifty / Fifty right?

Ten seconds later.

"Oh, sorry Neville!"

"For Christ sakes woman, I'm right here!"

* * *

Omake 7: A catchy tune.

* * *

It was a good day for Seamus. Not only did he convince the Patil twins that he _really was not_ in fact gay, but he convinced one of them (he wasn't exactly sure which) to join him in a broom closet for some snogging, heavy petting, and (if his luck continued) perhaps more.

The first one they checked was occupied by none other than Pansy Parkinson and one of her many daily shagging partners.

Pansy didn't even stop what she was doing when the door opened; all she did was wave the two of them away with a 'Shoo! Shoo!' hand motion.

The second one they checked was empty, but that didn't make it a viable snogging location. Either Filch was getting lazy and was slacking off on his cleaning duties (which was completely possible), or hurricane Pansy had been in there earlier that day and had messed the room up in one of her passionate 'love making' sessions. She was quite the slut after-all.

How she could go through every boy in school and still call it 'making love', he'd never know.

Ah, there's the trademark 'Pansy was here' pair of knickers. Then again, that thing could have been sitting there for years for all he knew. The girl sure got started early, that's for damn sure.

Seamus sighed and pulled his 'date' along in search of another broom closet.

He wasn't sure, but he vaguely remembered seeing another one just around that corner… ah, there it is.

Careful this time to knock, Seamus waited for a response.

Nothing.

About time!

Seamus opened the door pulled the two of them in, and then closed the door suddenly. He roughly pressed the Indian beauty against the door and went to town on her lips.

He was getting ready to go a little further when all of a sudden he heard this… noise. Kind of sounded kind of like some dude was humming.

Mm mm, MM MM, Mm, Mm, MMMMM…

Then the noise stopped.

What the hell?

Seamus reluctantly removed himself from his companion's embrace and turned to look behind him.

He really should have knocked harder.

Sitting with her legs askew was Luna Lovegood and face first between her open legs was none other than his roommate Harry Potter.

Well that was unexpected.

He was about to grab his broom closet traveler and high tail it to the next vocation when the humming started up again.

The hell? Why was he humming?

Mm mm, MM MM, Mm, Mm, MMMMM…

The tune _was_ awfully familiar…

Just then, the soft singing voice of Luna joined Harry's humming.

"A b, c d, e, f, geee…"

Oh, that's the tune. Oh. Oh! That's what the fruit basket was about! Good show Harry!

Now if only Seamus could find a way to use his own bloody sex tips!

His curiosity sated, Seamus was ready to leave but for some reason he couldn't open the door. Something was holding it shut.

There stood the Pavil twin staring at the other couple.

She started mumbling, "Yule ball… could have been me…"

Ah, so this one was Parvati. With a sudden bit of inspiration, Seamus gently cupped the witch's face and turned her to look at him.

"Parvati Love. I taught tha' bloke everything he knows… if you know what I mean."

She looked confused for a moment before sharply looked at Harry and then looking back at Seamus.

"R-really?"

"Yep. Want me to show yeh?"

"Show me… Yes. _Merlin_ yes!"

This time it was Parvati leading Seamus by the hand in search of an empty broom closet.

The whole time he was happily humming his favorite tune…

* * *

AN: A couple short Omakes, more will follow… eventually.

Cheers!

Ps. Sorry about the short length, but I gots to go to work, and wanted to post what I had.


	10. Omakes 8 through 10: Redhanded Giver!

Omake 8: He's a giver!

* * *

Minerva McGonagall was annoyed that it was once again that time of the month.

Not _that_ time of the month. She was an old woman for Merlin's sake!

No, It was time for the monthly _staff meeting_.

On the first Friday of every month the entire staff was called together for a little pow-wow. Students loved this time because they could do whatever they wanted for about an hour without risk of being caught

Well, risk of being caught by anyone besides the prefects, that is. None of them ever took their jobs seriously though, so the risk was minimal.

Except of being caught by Ron 'The Nazi' Weasley of course, but he was a special case.

She hated these meetings because she _knew_ the students were running about the school doings things that under _normal_ circumstances would get them in boatloads of trouble, and she could do nothing about it.

She took her seat with a huff.

"Something the matter Minerva?" The old man with the far too long beard asked.

"Besides my constant misgivings about these pointless meetings?" She sent back.

"You seem a tad miffed. Has something ruffled your feathers today?" He inquired, pausing for effect, "Well, more than usual that is?"

"You make me sound like I'm always in a mood or something!" No one interrupted her when she got like this, so she just kept going, "Anyways, it's just… Is it just me, or does it seem like every year these kids get more and more…? I don't know. Okay, take this for example: twenty years ago, did we have anyone like Ms. Parkinson? I strain to recall a time when I've seen her without a tongue down her throat!"

The long haired bat sitting beside her coughed something that sounded awfully similar to 'James!', but she couldn't be sure.

"I not sure there has ever been anyone _quite_ like Ms. Parkinson in the history of this school, but as Severus has so subtly pointed out, James Potter was quite the Casanova in his time." Albus replied.

"Still! Every meeting we all have to listen to Argus complain about having to constantly clean the _broom closets_. The frequency with which he does _must_ be unprecedented."

"I have to carry around a pair of tongs to every damn broom closet now! Must she leave her… thingies… after every encounter? I know her family is well off, but how can she afford to go through a couple dozen pairs a _week_?" The caretaker practically screamed.

"Settle down Argus. Settle down. Last meeting I tasked Severus to have a little talk with the young woman, how did that go Severus?"

"Not well Headmaster. Not well."

"Would you care to elaborate?"

"When I confronted her with her constant… ways… she… propositioned me…"

"_What?_" Half the voices in the room gasped.

"That girl is unstoppable. I threatened to tell her parents about her promiscuous ways and she said they already _knew_!"

"Well that is unexpected Severus. Well, since there is nothing more we can to do our front, I suggest we let the matter rest."

"But, Albus!" The elderly witch cried.

"Nothing we can do at all."

The squib started mumbling about doubling his cleaning supply budget but everyone tuned him out.

"If I could bring something else up?" Professor Sinistra chimed in.

"Yes Aurora?"

"This is along the same vein of what Minerva was saying, but I must note that my astronomy tower is constantly being used for… extracurricular activities…"

"Oh? That still goes on, does it?" The old man asked with a hint of a smile.

"Yes, it _still goes on_! My word Albus, I bring this up every meeting and you ignore it."

"I'm sorry, did you say something dear? You must speak up."

"Albus! You must see reason! Just last week I caught Ms. Lovegood and Mr. Potter in quite the compromising position!"

All the people in the room groaned in unison. Especially the greasy one.

"Mr. Potter and Ms. Lovegood? Surely you jest, Aurora?" Albus said with a touch of confusion.

"No joke, Albus. With what Mr. Potter was doing with this tongue, I'm pretty sure it wasn't _laughter_ I was hearing." The professor snickered.

The rest of the room snickered as well. Well, aside the Potions Professor. He looked unhappy with the new topic of discussion.

"She's not the only one who has caught them, Albus. Just yesterday I saw them doing the exact same thing in my greenhouses." Professor Sprout added.

At that moment Professor Flitwick started laughing uncontrollably and fell out of his chair.

"Filius! Are you alright?" The headmaster asked.

The little man found his way back to his seat, still giggling.

"I'm fine Albus." He said with mirth.

"That was quite the laugh Filius, do you have something to add?"

"Well… I'll just say that Aurora and Pomona are not the only ones to catch them in the act. Strangely enough, it was under very _similar_ circumstances."

"My word. I thought I was the only one to catch them!" Minerva said, "Three days ago I caught them doing exactly the same thing behind a few rocks near the lake!"

"Really? Has anyone else caught them?"

By a show of hands, every single staff member – aside the headmaster and the snarky bat – raised theirs.

"Has it always been with Mr. Potter providing eh… Oral stimulation?"

Everyone nodded.

"He's quite the giver, isn't he?" Minerva mumbled. "Those two are not unlike his parents in their seventh year."

"What!" Severus screamed, "James was a selfish bastard, there is no way he would give in such a selfless way!"

"No, quite right Severus," Minerva said.

"Thank you." Severus said, settling down.

"With them, it was always a two way street. About half and half really…" Minerva amended.

Severus quickly felt faint, "Could have been me…" He mumbled, before getting angry, "There is no way someone like _Potter_ would be willing to do… _that_!"

"Settle down Severus." The old man said.

The man wasn't listening. He was on his feet and at the door in an instant.

"I'll prove it! NO POTTER IS THAT UNSELFISH!"

And he slammed the door.

Silence

After a moment, the old man muttered aloud, "What was I doing again? I could swear Severus was here just a moment ago." He looked back up, and was startled to see a room full of his teachers staring at him, "Oh my, what are all of you doing here in my office?"

"…Staff meeting?" One of the teachers suggested.

"Is it really? Why, the time sure goes by doesn't it? Where is Severus, then?"

Minerva put her hand to her face and groaned.

* * *

Omake 9: Foreign Tongues.

* * *

"Harry, why are you hissing into my crotch?"

"Parseltongue!"

"I gathered as much. Is there a specific _reason_ why you're hissing into my crotch?"

"Well, I just thought maybe it would I dunno, do something? Make It better for you?"

"Well, it's not working."

"Really? I thought for _sure_ that it would work!"

"To tell you the truth Harry, what you were doing before was _working_ just fine. What do those Yanks always say? If it aint broke, don't fix it?"

"Okay, just thought it would help is all…"

Harry went back to work sans the hissing.

* * *

Omake 10: Red-Handed

* * *

The door smashed open.

"Ah-Ha!" The last person in the world Harry wanted to see cried.

"Uh, hey Professor."

"Don't you 'hey' me _Potter_. Everyone kept saying, 'Harry Potter is such a giver!' but I knew better! Well now I have _proof_!"

"Um. Okay. That's… _nice_ and all, but this is not a good time."

"I _knew_ you were— wait, why isn't she stopping?"

"I'm honestly not sure Professor. She gets into this groove and the world kind of disappears."

"Be that as it may, have her stop at this instant!"

"It's really not up to me Professor."

"For Merlin's sake! Make her stop!"

"Fine, but don't say I didn't warn you." He gave Luna's shoulder a light shove, "Luna dear, we have a bit of an audience, would you mind stopping?"

She clearly did, because after waiting about ten seconds she was showing no sign of slowing down.

"_Potter_."

"Give me a sec." He gave her shoulder another light shove, "Luna dear, I appreciate what you're doing, but with Snape in the room I don't see this ever coming to a climax." He whispered in her ear, "He's quite the turnoff dear. Please stop."

Reluctantly with a popping and slurping sound she detached her mouth from his member.

"I knew you weren't as 'giving' as everyone said you were!"

"Seriously Professor, could you please look away for a moment, I need to do up my fly."

"Bah!"

Ziiiip.

"Much better. Now what were we talking about?"

"You're no giver! It's a two way street… Shit. Damn you _Potter_!"

"What I do?"

"Not you, you imbecile! Your father and… ehh, never mind."

"You realize he's dead, right?"

"I realize that!" He yelled far louder than the situation really required. "Now what we are going to do is walk up to the headmaster's office and I'm going to tell everyone how selfish and stupid you are!"

"So, just an average Friday then?"

"Yes! Wait, no. Damn it Potter, I don't have all day. I've already wasted enough time today trying to prove them all wrong!"

"Wait a sec, are you saying that you've been following me all day?"

"Yes."

"_All_ day?"

"Since the morning meeting, yes."

"Luna and I have been um, that is to say, I've been a 'giver' – your words, not mine – three times today before you caught me now. What the hell?"

"I needed the proof damn it! By the way, Parseltongue? Seriously? How would that have possibly worked?"

"It was worth a shot for Christ sakes!"

"Potter, one of the Dark Lord's most celebrated talents is his Parseltongue. He is not known, however, as a great lover."

There was silence in the broom closet for a good ten seconds.

Luna was the one to break the silence.

"Is this knowledge from… firsthand experience?"

"What, firsthand…? No! God no!"

"That's good to know, Professor. You had me worried for a moment. Not that there would anything _wrong_ if you and the Dark Lord were… Involved."

"I'm not a pouf!"

"Then why have you been following us around all day? After all, you only exposed yourself when Harry's Penis was on display. That must mean _something_."

"Yeah, you seem quite up in arms about this, surely you must have done things like this when you were in school, right?" Harry added.

Silence. If one strained their ears enough, they could possibly hear the faint sound of a cricket.

"Oh… that explains so much." Luna said.

"Well surely, being the Potions master and Dark Arts master that you are you have been able to net a few hotties since then, right?"

Silence. Cue the crickets.

"Professor are you a virgin?"

Silence.

"Are you _sure_ you're not gay? You do seem oddly fixated on Harry's Father."

"I'M NOT GAY!" The professor screamed before running from the room and slamming the door.

Both teens sat stunned at the man's abrupt exit.

Harry was the first to speak this time. "Score! No detention or points lost!"

Luna didn't respond. She was too busy working Harry's zipper.

* * *

AN: Sorry that the last chapter was so short. Here's a slightly longer one to make up for it!

-Lineape (or PinstripedPajamas if you're so inclined.)


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